Musings at 3 am

Sometimes I feel like everything around me disappears. When I am watching or reading psychological thrillers or dark stuff, I feel like I am one of them with all the darkness around me. The fictional world becomes my reality. I sure as hell start using their vernacular and accent, also in my head.

But its not just that. I am aware that I am not living one of the character's life. It is more like I am suddenly  more aware to the gnawing emptiness in me. A feeling that keeps me rooted to inaction. Its like in that moment, I'd rather want my life to just drag on than me being in charge. I would do and  accept anything that will immediately occupy my mind and not let rationality in. Its like I am starving for mental distraction, to not think consciously and not come out of the trance. I will continue watching one series after another. I will keep reading that book which I know is trouble but before I think it is too much and actually muster the courage to stop, my mind has already jumped onto the next chapter effectively luring me in. This is how I become unproductive. I lose the drive to grow. I lose the drive to actively invest in activities that will serve me and instead, keep serving my devil desires .

These things are meant to be addictive and I let them win.

I have been having these episodes for months now. I keep my mind occupied with movies, one after the other, fiction books, to stop myself from thinking. Its like blackouts. I completely lose track of time. I am just so absorbed in it and in the break of jumping from one to next, the little air I get, my thoughts are ,'God, what I am doing? I didn't realize I wasted so much time in this. I definitely shouldn't be continuing this. I have to stop. I don't know how to stop myself. Its like an addiction. I know I have to do it. How do I stop. Oh god why am I doing this." 

And that is when I start another distraction. And after a while I wake up again with no sense of why I just did what I did.

I am not sure what I am so afraid of thinking. What am I so afraid to let into my mind and that too subconsciously. I am not even aware what I am protecting myself from. Something my subconscious is so tainted with that it is terrified of the consequence of letting it in. I can come up with theories. But do I really wanna dare? 

I guess its loneliness. I am afraid to realize that I am alone. Ever since he left, I have felt betrayed No , my beliefs, my heart and my subconscious has felt betrayed. We aren't sure of what things are anymore. We don't think about trust anymore. We are just rolling with what cards are being dealt to us. We doubt love. My supreme belief was if there is love, there is understanding and other problems don't create a problem, that people work it out. And that belief is shattered. Love is not enough. And I so want to believe that it is. That Love works it all out. I haven't come to terms with the implications of my  failed relationship and I am too terrified to do that. I don't have the stomach for it. And since our beliefs which was our bedrock has shaken. My subconscious is wary. And I do feel alone. After him, I haven't been able to share everything with anyone. I haven't felt once that I have someone. I haven't felt as free as I felt with him. And so its just me. It could be loneliness. But not your usual loneliness. It is something that I am unable to describe. Its like a primal need. I don't fear normal loneliness. I think I feel incomplete and that has made me insecure and that is causing this soul loneliness. Oh god. I am so confused.

Like I said before, just theories.

Okay, quick questions for introspection.

Do you want to get back together with him ever in future, even if you realize that you love him and he truly loves you?

A: Okay, since I believe love is above all and if we truly in love, then nothing should stop us. If he truly does love me and I do too, I would get over the demon of 18th November and would want to try a relationship. But I know that it cant work out. In my right mind, he is not someone I want to spend my whole life with. I will be unhappy and tied in love, unable to leave and forever suffering. So, no . I don't want to get back with him even if I realize the presence of lingering feelings. I am a hopeless romantic and I believe that if I successfully keep myself away, I will find another love. Maybe brighter, maybe dark. But my kind of dark and a true love.

And you don't just move on from people you truly love.

If its not love, then is it loss?

I think yes, it is loss. Even breakup was about loss, so is this event of 31st March.

I am afraid to face the loss that I have already had. 

And what is worse is before I get to come to terms with one loss, I am already looking at another possible loss. My family has been shaken and we are all dealing with it in our own ways. Some are looking for explanations in Krishna, some are obsessing over taking care of the living. And some, like me, are just ignoring it all together. I laugh, I joke around, I talk to him as if he is here, I blame the almighty and then just blow him kisses. Ridiculous, right?

The question is, when?

When will I stop using distractions? When will I be real?

But more than anything, I want to know when will I meet someone who will see me?