Dealing with loss

One of the perks of reading self-help books is you already know a lot of motivational pep-talk people give you when you face a loss.

I know it happens to everyone! 

I know it is a part of life!

I know everyone has to die someday, even I will cease to exist!

I know!

So?

Does that make my pain less hurtful?

Well, it doesn't :)

 

You want to know what else I know?

I know that this is a world of maya and that death is freedom. 

Imagine you are trapped in a game where you get innumerable lives. To exit the game , you have to reach your goal but you don't know what that goal is. So you keep playing, overcoming every hurdle that comes your way thinking this might be the ultimate goal. You keep playing trying to find your ultimate purpose that will end the game. And you die in the game only to find out that the game has started again and you have to do it all over again. And this goes on repeat.

Wouldn't you get tired? 

I believe it is the same for our soul. It is trapped in a body in this world, waiting to exit. It doesn't know what it has to achieve but it keeps trying in every life and hoping that it doesn't wake up in another body someday. Death gives it the chance to that freedom.

Death is just soul leaving the body. Death allows the soul to unite with its true nature and be infinite. I believe that death is not the end and it isn't bad. The soul just leaves one body and chooses another body. A soul has to stay in this world and reborn again and again till it has fulfilled all its wishes. I guess that is why yogis say to let go of desires, that being the key to end the cycle of rebirth. 

So I should be happy at the possibility of his freedom but that might be stretching it too far.

Once a soul has realized its purpose, it doesn't take rebirth in a new body and I wish for my nanu's soul to not return to this world. I really hope that it doesn't take shelter in a new body and be free. I hope you have received your freedom nanu. I really do but despite knowing all this, I still can't accept it.

Despite knowing and believing it all, I am in pain. I can not get myself to accept it. I mean I know that was just your body but that was how I identified you right? Now this isn't a talk about just souls and bodies. It is personal. It is real. It is about someone I love so I cannot just accept it. I cannot easily accept the idea of your soul not living in the body known to me. I cannot accept the idea of losing not just your body but your soul too, even though it means freedom for you. Now it hurts that I can't see you, can't hold your hand, can't hear your voice, can't see you smile. Touch is the way our bodies communicate and human body is the communication medium on this physical dimension. And I have lost this connection with you.

My agony is justified right?

I cannot just accept it when people point out it happens to everyone and it is life. Just because I knew it was coming doesn't mean it hurt less. Just because it didn't happen yesterday, doesn't mean it hurts less today. If it is even possible, the pain today is more than it was that day.

Another perk of reading and being open to these thoughts is that I believe the pain isn't going to subside just with the passage of time, or when it has been years to it. Krishna said when you accept the true nature of soul, you turn playful and stop viewing any moment as serious. That gives me the idea to fill my days with countless moments of bliss. In order to start on the path of being happy and handling the pain, the first step has to be acceptance. I just know and but I haven't accepted. I don't believe in suppressing the emotions. I believe the true healing begins when you accept, when you let the hurricane of pain hit you with full force and crumple you to the ground and allow yourself to feel the pain. And then it starts getting better. The intensity of pain reduces. It begins to leave your body and the shell around your inner peace cracks and through the cracks, light starts to enter. It becomes easier to accept the loss and you see the door to happiness amidst the dark. It is a process that works on it own. You just have to take the first and most difficult step. Lets hope I manage to start the journey soon and find my door.